Lost In My Almosts

We use art- colorful poems, colorless photographs, as a cry for help, unaware
But
Quietly hoping that someday someone would understand
The pain behind those eyes, the regret behind that smile
We waste away like corpses, letting the love fade away,
And the possibility of anything happening dies.

We try to hide away our almosts,
Almost something, lovers or dreams
Because the pain behind the almosts is too overwhelming
 So we hide them away
Lock them inside a small cupboard,
Never hoping to remember,
Calling them what they are
The dying embers.

But they are like uninvited guests
Suddenly,
they show up inside our heads
Quietly, they sneak in
Somewhere from the unconscious
Making us feel like
Doomsday is upon us.

They present themselves as photographic memories and poetry
For a while, it seems only skin-deep but
Somehow they surface
On social media, in our dreams, in everything we see
We write and we click and we speak, and suddenly we find ourselves
Remembering.

I Am Nothing

I carry a void inside my beating heart
The beating of the drums seem to be slowing down by each minute
My void speaks to me like the old oak tree near my childhood home; it murmurs
But the thing is I don't have a childhood home
My childhood was stolen long ago

I turn to dust
I turn to dust and people try to pick me up but I slid right through their fingers
Years later
I manage to pick up the pieces but dust cannot be joined together
It's scattered
Like my beating heart
It's scattered and it raises me from perdition only to drop me back again
I want to love but I seem to be running out of time
But at the same time, im slowing down
Like an old woman who's waiting for death
But death doesn't come
She wants it to come

This world is broken and I'm reminded of that
Every single morning I pick up the paper
To see fire burning up happiness and people turning to ashes
There's a city that never sleeps but instead of rejoicing and drinking
It's empty
Once filled with the young, the innocent
The free
It's now a red cemetery
A prison
Unseen
The free are being tortured in cells inside their own bodies
Their own minds
Both outside and inside
So I tell myself I'll be okay
They are the ones who need help but

I'm a beast
I'm a broken beast but not really  a beast anymore
It's a weak attempt
To cry out
But I don't want to cry out
I keep fighting with my own head
Because I want to be strong
But what is strength?

I kill
I kill my thoughts
By killing others
But I regret
I guess that means I'm normal
But it isn't normal for me
To break down others
In order to pull myself back again
But how do I stop
It's turning me into a person I don't wanna be

But I try
I try and I guess that's what really matters
That's what people tell me
But the walls keep shouting at me
Telling me to wake up
I'm in a dream
I'm in a dream I don't want to be in
It's an attempt to escape
From reality
But only in my dreams
There are monsters
Pulling me apart piece by piece
But I'm a beast aren't I
A weak broken beast
Is she good
Is she bad
She's stuck inside her head
I'm a beast of beasts long forgotten
It's scary when you
Scare yourself and kill
Not them but your own head
I'm a beast
Not really
I'm a human being
Not really
I'm a microbe
Insignificant but I matter
Wait, no that's what they want me to believe
But really
I am nothing
I am nothing.

You're the flower my father told me not to pluck because it makes the earth look prettier

A Letter To Myself

Dear 9 year old me,
You are a beautiful creature
Made up of flowers intertwined with stars
The whole universe
Resides in you.

Dear 9 year old me,
As you grow up
You'll find out that fairies
Are monsters and Santa isn't who you think he is.
All the bedtime stories you've been hearing for the past 9 years are true,
Only these tales have a different ending.
Monsters walk among us
And heroes don't usually win

But dear 9 year old me,
Don't let this stop you from being who you wanna be
Don't let this stop you from hoping
For a better life because
You have magic in your hands
And in your eyes

Little darling,
I ask you
I ask you not to stop believing
That good exists in this world
You only need to dig a little deeper to find it.

Dear 13 year old me,
Your curves are beautiful
And so are those stars on your face
Whoever says otherwise
Is lying.
When the friends you have right now leave you,
don't blame yourself
Don't lock yourself up in your room and punch the wall
Because trust me, it hurts.
Do not carve yourself with hateful verses
Because it is not your fault.
Remember, you don't need permission
To cry.
You're allowed to let it all out
But when you're done with rivers
Flowing down from your eyes and
Trying to figure out all their horrible lies,
Move on
Wake up and go to school
With a big smile on your face
And remind yourself that you're worthy
Of someone better.

Dear 15 year old me,
I met you last year
And I'm sorry for everything
You've been through
I know, right now, it feels like
Hell hounds are after you
I know, right now, you want to
Stop breathing.
But, believe me, it gets better.
And it sounds really cliched, I know, but
The universe has big plans for you.

Dear 15 year old me,
The one who got away should stay away
So stop trying to make things happen.
Listen, darling
The monster you befriended when you were 5
Is across the universe now so move on
And I know, the monsters inside your brain are
Crying out for food but don't feed them.
It's difficult, I know
But do not give them the power to control your mind
And your soul.

Dear 15 year old me,
It's okay
It's okay to lower down your walls sometimes
It's okay to trust
Don't let your past keep you from love.

Dear present me,
Damn girl, you are beautiful
You are turning into a wonderful woman
And yes, your inhibitions still haunt you
But you'll be okay.
You are okay.
There's only one thing I ask of you.
Please please do not think
That emotions are monsters and feeling them
Would make you look weak.
If the river that flowed down from your eyes
When you were 13 wants to flow again,
Let it.
Let yourself feel the stardust
all around you.
Let yourself feel the music
playing all around you.

Dear me,
Welcome love
Welcome it with open hands
And embrace it as much as you can.
Listen,
Listen to the symphonies of life
And create your own.

Dear present me,
The magic in your hands isn't lost
It's just buried deep inside your veins
And all you need to know is how to use it.

Dear future me,
I hope you're alive
And I hope you have the life
You've always wanted.
I hope you're out there
Taking the world by storm
And I hope you haven't lost your ability
To hope.

Dear future me,
I hope the magic inside your veins
Hasn't lost its spark
I hope you have thousands of books
With your own symphonies now
I hope the monsters inside your head
Have finally found the exit
I hope your nightmares
Have turned into dreams full of songs
With beautiful lyrics.

Dear future me,
I write this letter to you
To remind you of everything
You've been through
Of every pain you've felt
Of every love you've lost
Of the monsters inside your head.
To remind you
That even after all those raging storms
And fires,
You are here
You are still here, standing
And hopefully, laughing
And crying
And feeling
And believing
You are here
And you're alive
And you made it.

Yank the door to my heart open,

It's hard for me to do it by myself

As the walls I built years ago

Refuse to lower down.
They refuse to let me breathe.

My heart is like a guitar with no strings,

The melodious music is long gone now

There is a cavity in my heart

Waiting to be filled with something
Dangerous yet completely safe.

The silence speaks to me,

With a distorted voice, 

As if spoken by monsters and goblins
As if the demons under my bed are now
Inside my own head.

The words they are screaming
They don't make sense to me
I need a translator
And an escape from reality.

- Isha Sharma

All Rights Reserved

I lived vicariously through her
Her heart was my heart
I could feel every pain, all the suffering she went through
But now I feel nothing

She and I are not one anymore
But two strangers on the opposite sides of the world
Her heart is broken and mine got lost in a place nobody knows about,
Not even me

I do not know who she is anymore, I do not know who I am anymore
The air we breathe is different
The land we walk on is different
We are different and not in the way we were before.
Before, we were different together; different from the rest of the world but now
We're alone.

We talk but we are not talking
We hear but we are not listening
What she says doesn't reach my mind.
What I say doesn't reach her ears.
She's lost somewhere
And so am I.

- Isha Sharma

All Rights Reserved

Paradoxical Love

I sit here in silence, with my heart in my hands
And I look at it and wonder what caused it to shatter.
I wonder if it was the way you kissed me and made me forget about the world
Or the way your hands stroked every curve of my body even when I didn't want them to.
I wonder if it was the way you controlled me or broke me into pieces,
Or the way you pushed me and painted the walls red with my blood.

I remember how i would get scared of being late or of talking to other boys in your presence.
I remember how you'd punish me every time I let my mouth run wild.
And also how you'd confuse me by kissing every single bruise on my body
Every single bruise you were the cause of.

I remember whenever I'd push you away from me, your eyes would flash with hurt.
I remember how I'd come back to you every single time that happened.
I don't know if that was just an act or if you truly cared
But no matter what that was, my feelings for you were clear.
I hated how you hurt me both mentally and physically
But I loved you nevertheless.

Even when they dragged you away from me,
The only name my mouth could scream was yours.
Maybe loving you even when it was the most dangerous thing to do
Was what broke my fragile heart.

- Isha Sharma

All Rights Reserved

Where do lovers meet?

Is there a plan written by someone or is it all inadvertent?

And what happens when they meet?

Do they know that the person in front of them

is the person their heart belongs to?

What happens when they lock eyes?

Do they feel a spark inside their souls or waves inside their heart?

Do their bodies start to tingle?

Or do they feel nothing?

Are the love stories written in books extremely exaggerated?

Or does it happen in real life too?

I have yet to meet a person who is deeply in love

I have yet to encounter the pleasure of love myself.

Sometimes I wonder if it even exists

Maybe it's like Santa Claus.

People just like to believe in it.

- Isha Sharma

All Rights Reserved

I dream of a world
Devoid of crime
Devoid of hunger
Devoid of corruption
Everything would be so much beautiful
If a world like that were possible.
Unfortunately, it is impossible.
As long as humans walk on this planet,
A perfect world will just exist in the dreams
Of dreamers.

- Isha Sharma

All Rights Reserved

You were a whirlpool in the ocean and I was just an innocent sailor. You sucked me in and I got lost in you.

No one has found me yet.

Is anyone even looking?

Photo source: Tumblr